Wednesday, August 31, 2005
Here is another one.....
A Texan is drinking in a New York bar, when he gets a call on his cell phone. He hangs up, grinning from ear to ear, and orders a round of drinks for everybody in the bar announcing his wife has produced a typical Texas baby boy, weighing 25 pounds.
Roxy Klein at 12:40:00 PM
Happy Humpday!!! I've got so much to do today so enjoy the funnies!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Several members did not approve of her extra curricular activities, but feared her enough to maintain their silence. She made a mistake, however, when she accused George, a new member of the church, of being an alcoholic after she saw his old pickup parked in front of the town's only bar one afternoon. She emphatically told George and several others that everyone seeing it there would know what he was doing. George, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment and just turned and walked away. He didn't explain, defend, or deny. He said nothing. Later that evening, George quietly parked his pickup in front of Mildred's house . . . walked home . and left it there all night. Don't you just love ole George.....
Roxy Klein at 7:05:00 AM
Tuesday, August 30, 2005
AHHHHHH,
Relief at last… The Tough book or “Toughbook” which windows will forever screen as bad spelling is the ideal Laptop! I’m sitting on the couch all the while noticing the distant butterfly flowing closer to my window, out of the corner of my eye, I see a commercial that stopped me from any possible distractions… A business man fumbles his coffee into his laptop keyboard, (sound familiar) a woman drops her notebook crashing onto the floor, and a few other series of events that normally would destroy your poor puter….. Introducing the new TOUGHBOOK…. Ughhhh, I think I just WET myself! UGHHHHHHHHHHHHH! I have a HARD ON…. My Nipples will not cooperate with me… (DOWN BITCHES) I need one!
Roxy Klein at 12:01:00 PM
Lot’s of looting….. It about killed me down when flipping through the TV stations I saw a man is wading in chest high water, down what used to be a street, floating (not carrying over his head) FLOATING a huge package of Charmin toilette paper.. I guess you do what you have to do.
Good morning everyone, Well it looks like people down in Louisiana and Mississippi will be without power for about 4 to 6 weeks. Ughhhh, I went without power for 2 weeks after hurricane Bertha and that was HELL! We had water thank god but no electricity and loosing everything in your fridge and piss warm water sucks balls! I've got more tot talk about so I’ll be back in a little bit….. XOXO
Roxy Klein at 8:04:00 AM
Monday, August 29, 2005
Good morning,
Hurricane Katrina is giving New Orleans, La. and Biloxi, Miss. an ass pounding! The size and strength of this storm is unbelievable. I’ve been through 10 tropical storms & hurricanes mostly while living in Wilmington, NC. (Where BEER sells out before water during a hurricane) and any hurricane over a category 3 you should do your self a favor & just leave…. If you decide to stay and ride out the storm, you deserve to get your ass handed to you on a cheap plate! Well FUCK, I must have blinked! I swear it just feels like we skipped August all together. Thank god summer is almost over… and I just realized that our one year anniversary is coming up October 27th! Time flies when you’re fucking all the time… I’ve got to go for now, I’ll catch up with you all later in the day…. Stay safe… XOXO
Roxy Klein at 7:56:00 AM
Friday, August 26, 2005
I can not verify this at the moment but it's worth looking into. This is a list that I received of a few large companies that DO NOT import Middle Eastern oil: I hope that this helps!
Citgo......................0 barrels Sunoco..................0 barrels Conoco.................0 barrels Sinclair.................0 barrels BP/Phillips............0 barrels Hess......................0 barrels ARC0....................0 barrels If you have the time, I advise you to check into this to make sure.
Roxy Klein at 1:58:00 PM
(In my best Captain Caveman Voice)
It’s FRIIIIIIIIDAAAAAAY!!!!!!!!! Ooooh, a little chilly out here this morning.. My nipples can cut glass.. I LOVE IT! I think I need some coffee before I fall off my chair… I’m shocked that I am awake…Well sort of.. I usually get up with Brett at 5am and send him off to work in the morning but last night I went to bed around 11:00pm and woke up at 2:30am.. I’ve been sleeping in 30 minute intervals ever since with 45 minutes of, “I need to get some sleep.” in between. As soon as I fall into a deep sleep, I twitch then I’m awake… Ugh, I bet that I’ll look real cute today…. Well I’ll be back in a little bit… Enjoy your day…
Roxy Klein at 8:47:00 AM
Thursday, August 25, 2005
Good Morning ~
Tuesday night we were physically wiped! I made a huge dinner, had a couple of drinks then we watched Tommy Lee Goes To College. I thought that it was going to be lame as hell being on NBC. It turned out to be fucking hilarious. However this does remind me a lot of that movie “Back to School” with Rodney Dangerfield… We also saw “Four Brothers” the other night. Fantabulous movie!!! I was pretty impressed with Mark Wahlberg’s performance. If you get the chance go check it out… I met Wahlberg & entourage along with Bill Paxton years back during the Traveler wrap party in Wilmington, NC. That was quite an interesting night. Hmmmmm, moving on…. Well I guess we’re flying up to Wisconsin in 2 weeks.… Brett has family up that way and he wants me to meet them. I’ve already met his mother who I absolutely adore so now it’s time to meet his father. I’m a little nervous about it but nothing a few cocktails on the plane couldn’t fix… As long as I remember that mixing coffee and whiskey is BAD… I’m guessing that it’s a lot like speed balling on a much lower level. One brings you up the other down and you are somewhere caught in the middle with your thumb in your ass thinking, “Hmmm, I should’ve thought this through” That’s all you need, a hyper drunk in a confined space… Gotta go for now, Take care
Roxy Klein at 9:49:00 AM
Wednesday, August 24, 2005 Have a great Wednesday ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Last night, my friends and I went to a Ladies Night Club. One of the girls wanted to impress the rest of us, so she pulled out a $10 bill. When the male dancer came over to us, my friend licked the $10 bill and stuck it to his butt cheek! Not to be out done, another friend pulls out a $20 bill. She called the guy back, licks the $20 bill, and sticks it to his other butt cheek. In another attempt to impress the rest of us, my third friend pulls out a $50 bill and calls the guy over, and licks the $50 bill. I'm worried about the way things are going, but fortunately, she just stuck it to one of his butt cheeks again. My relief was short-lived. Seeing the way things are going, the guy gyrates over to me!!! Now everyone's attention is focused on me, and the guy is egging me on to try to top the $50. My brain was churning! as I reached for my wallet..... What could I do????
Roxy Klein at 7:36:00 AM
Monday, August 22, 2005 Friday night Lee’s mother passed away in his arms at the age of 52. She was a very wonderful and talented lady. I had the pleasure of spending time with her on several occasions. She will be deeply missed… My Deepest condolences to Mary Sue's friends and family. Lee, I'm sorry for your loss...
Roxy Klein at 7:02:00 AM
Friday, August 19, 2005  So we’re into day 19th day August, do you know where your summer went? Good morning everyone… It’s the end of the work week for most and I must tell you that I am looking forward to this weekend. It’s a dreary Friday morning and I’m lovin’ it! Lot's of rain and NO sun.... It just started raining and I am trying to win tickets to the 311 roof top pool party in D.C. Ahhhh, what the fuck, Elliot in the morning isn’t live today! Damn it!!!! Hahahaaaaa, they are still giving away pool party tickets! Wooooo-hoooooooo! Caller 3…. SHIT!!!!!!! Almost but no cigar! Trying again…Caller 1, CRAP!!!!! LOL… This is fucking ridiculous! Well I have some things to take care of this morning…. So gotta go for now. Have a great weekend! ~Ciao
Roxy Klein at 9:03:00 AM
Wednesday, August 17, 2005
As if my head was not far enough up my ass, I forgot that today was Wednesday. HAPPY HUMPDAY!! Ehhh, it’s not total loss, it’s only 2:30 pm. I got a little caught up with yesterdays bullshit... Sorry about that.
So this is where the joke comes in… Take care... Green Side UP! One day a woman decided to have all the rooms in her house painted, so she called a painter to come over and give her an estimate on how much it would cost. The painter arrived, and the woman brought him into the dining room. "What color would you like this room painted?" he asked. "Green," the woman replied. The painter nodded and wrote something down on his notepad. Then he went over to the nearest open window and yelled out, "Green side up!" The woman thought this was odd but continued on to the kitchen. "What color would you like this room painted?" he asked. "Yellow," the woman replied. Again, the man nodded, wrote something down on his notepad, and went over to the nearest open window. "Green side up!" he yelled. The woman was puzzled, but figured that he was a professional, so she shouldn't question him. The whole tour continued like this; the woman becoming more and more suspicious each room they went through that the painter leaned out the open window and yelled, "Green side up!" Finally they were finished and the woman couldn't stand it any longer. She asked the painter, " Why did you yell 'Green side up' out the window every time I told you what color I wanted the rooms painted? I don't want every room painted green!" The painter laughed. "I know. I wrote down the colors you wanted your rooms to be painted. But I had to keep yelling 'Green side up' out the windows because I have a crew of blondes across the street laying sod."
Roxy Klein at 2:30:00 PM
I’m sure that most of you have already heard (seeing as how it made national news)
RUN... It's a STAMPEED! How fucking pathetic! Times Dispatch Slide show... Ignorant FUCKS!
Roxy Klein at 6:38:00 AM
Monday, August 15, 2005
Hello Monday....
I hope that everyone had a great weekend. Ours was pretty uneventful but very relaxing. We cooked out on the grill and took care of some bullshit around the house. I banged the hell out of Brett Saturday morning only to be left leaking Brett’s baby batter for 5 hours after the fact. The heat was ridiculous but the summer is almost over.. Speaking of weather, I’m kind of bummed that Hurricane Irene turned away from the coast… I’ve waited ALL summer long for a good storm. WE have not gotten ANYTHING! This sucks… Moving on…. Who saw the Pamela Anderson Roast on Comedy Central last night? LOL, you could see right through Pamela’s shirt, shocker! She was dressed like “Fi-Fi the inbred assistant fluffer”. Damn gal, did you over do the mystic tan??? I think one of the best one liners was directed at Tommy Lee. Tommy Lee’s dick is so big that it has an elbow. Followed by: He feeds it baby rabbits & it sheds it’s foreskin once a month. Bea Arthur getting tips on how to take it in the ass! UGH, there’s a picture…(shiver) and what the fuck was up with Courtney Love? High Courtney! You think… You would have thought that they were Roasting Andy Dick.. LOL… Well at least he got to feel up Pam on national TV. I’m sure they will be replaying it so if you get the chance, check it out. Well I have got to get out of here… Have a great Monday everyone… XOXO
Roxy Klein at 7:58:00 AM
Wednesday, August 10, 2005
Good morning,
We finally got rid of that spider.. Ugh, I had to wait for Brett to come home because there was NO WAY IN HELL I was going to move it. Still not sure what type it was but got some really cool pics of it. Well It’s HUMPDAY! There are some funnies for you down below! Have a GREAT DAY!!! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A Nun in Hooters... A Nun, badly needing to use the restroom, walked into a local Hooters. The place was hopping with music and loud conversation and every once in a while the lights would turn off. Each time the lights would go out, the place would erupt into cheers. However, when the revelers saw the Nun, dressed in the traditional floor-length black habit, the room went dead silent.She walked up to the bartender, and asked, "May I please use the restroom? The bartender replied, "OK, but I should warn you that there is a statue of a naked man in there wearing only a fig leaf." "Well, in that case I'll just look the other way," said the Nun. So, the bartender showed the Nun to the back of the restaurant, and she proceeded to the restroom. After a few minutes, she came back out, and the whole place stopped just long enough to give the Nun a loud round of applause. She went to the bartender and said, "Sir, I don't understand. Why did they applaud for me just because I went to the restroom?" "Well, now they know you're one of us," said the bartender, "Would you like a drink? It's on the house" "But, I still don't understand," said the puzzled Nun. "You see," laughed the bartender, "every time the fig leaf on the statue is lifted up, the lights go out. Now, how about that drink?" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ WOMEN'S REVENGE "Cash, check or charge?" I asked, after folding items the woman wishedto purchase….As she fumbled for her wallet I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse. "So, do you always carry your TV remote?" I asked."No," she replied, "but my husband refused to come shopping with me,and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally." ________________________________________ UNDERSTANDING WOMEN (A MAN'S PERSPECTIVE) I know I'm not going to understand women.I'll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax,pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root, and still be afraid of a spider. _________________________________________ MARRIAGE SEMINAR While attending a Marriage Seminar dealing with communication,Tom and his wife Grace listened to the instructor, "It is essential that husbands and wives know each other's likes and dislikes." He addressed the man, "Can you name your wife's favorite flower?"Tom leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and whispered, "It'sPillsbury, isn't it? _________________________________________ WIFE VS. HUSBAND A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position.As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?" "Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws." _________________________________________ W O R D S A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day...30,000 to a man's 15,000.The wife replied, "The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men...The husband then turned to his wife and asked, "What?" _________________________________________ CREATION A man said to his wife one day, "I don't know how you can be so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time. " The wife responded, "Allow me to explain. God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me; God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!________________________________________ WHO DOES WHAT A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning.The wife said, "You should do it, because you get up first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee."The husband said, " You are in charge of cooking around here and you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee."Wife replies, "No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee." Husband replies, "I can't believe that, show me."So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeedsays.........."HEBREWS" _________________________________________ THE SILENT TREATMENTA man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving eachother the silent treatment. Suddenly, the man realized that the next day,he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight.Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wroteon a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5:00 AM." He left it where he knew she would find it.The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM. Wake up."
Roxy Klein at 6:42:00 AM
Tuesday, August 09, 2005  Hello – Hello ~ I’m addicted to MM (multimedia messaging) & text messaging! I must do this at least 10 times a day. It’s sick! It’s like having a new toy. Brett and I spend most of the day teasing each other and in all honesty I can’t seem to get enough! I take snap shots of my tits and pussy, he replies with his dick and tongue, implying that this is what I have to look forward to when he gets home. You’ve gotta love this… The only problem is getting the right camera angle to take pics.. I usually have to sit in front of a mirror so I can see what the hell I’m getting. My last camera phone had a mirror on the cover so you could see what you were getting yourself into. This new one does not... OH my god! There is a spider in the dining room about the size of a small child! This thing looks as if someone’s been hand feeding it. Now I’ve got the heeebie-jeebies! There is NO WAY IN HELL I’m touching that thing… I put a vase over it. I dunno where it came from but that bitch has got to go! I’m normally fine with spiders, they really don’t bother me unless they are the size of a fucking Buick! UGHHHH! I’m just freaked out now. I’ve gotta go….
Roxy Klein at 9:46:00 AM
Monday, August 08, 2005
Can you imagine working for a company that has a little more than 500 employees and has the following statistics:
36 have been accused of spousal abuse 7 have been arrested for fraud 19 have been accused of writing bad checks 117 have directly or indirectly bankrupted at least 2 businesses 3 have done time for assault 71, repeat 71 cannot get a credit card due to bad credit 14 have been arrested on drug-related charges 8 have been arrested for shoplifting 21 currently are defendants in lawsuits. and 84 have been arrested for drunk driving in the last year... Can you guess which organization this is? Give up yet? . . Scroll down, citizen! It's the 535 members of the United States Congress. The same group of Idiots that crank out hundreds of new laws each year designed to keep the rest of us in line. Thanks Raeford
Roxy Klein at 10:02:00 AM
  Good Morning ~ Well not so much good as I am hung over. Tequila is pure evil! I am trying to avoid the obvious to cure the hang over but I have a feeling that I’m not going to have a choice in the matter. Coffee and Tylenol just aren’t doing their job. I hope that you all had a fantastic weekend. Brett & I caught "The Bad News Bears" which was surprisingly good. I laughed my ass off through the entire movie. I like Billy Bob’s dry sense of humor…You can almost see why Angelina Jolie married him. I'll stop right there. It's probably the liquor talking. Any who, If you’re into video games and you get the chance, check out Outlaw Golf 2. This game is fucking hilarious! This is NOT your average, overly boring, snooze fest, golfing game. You have a variety of amusing characters that beat & bitch slap everything from the camera man to their own caddy’s. Golf cart challenges that point you for running over spectators. A Dominatrix along with her gimp caddy some hillbillies, criminals, angry biker chicks & my personal favorite, the cute strippers that do lap dances on the green to name a few… A variety of courses keep it interesting as well as many different types of golf. ‘mmmm I think it’s time for me to go. I need to find the hair of the puppy that bit me. Talk with you all later.. XOXO
Roxy Klein at 9:22:00 AM
Friday, August 05, 2005  Hello~Hello~ It’s finally FRIDAY! Wooo Hoooooo… After the very long week we’ve had, we are exhausted. We ended up going to bed pretty early last night. You know it’s bad when you are too tired to fuck. I woke up this morning with a pinched nerve behind my right shoulder blade. UGHHHH! I can’t seem to relieve the kink! I need a massage, anyone care to volunteer? Brett & I have a shit load of things to do this weekend, including getting all of our computers set up. We have 8 computers total. Who in the fuck needs 8 computers??? Well scratch that.. Make that 6 computers and 1 big server.. LOL… Back in May I had a “Doe-C-Doe” moment and I fumbled a glass of lemonade into my laptop keyboard.. The fucker fried!!!! I about had a heart attack!!! I thought that I had lost EVERYTHING! THANK Siblings my brother had this funky cord to transfer my hard drive to my other laptop so I didn’t loose anything. I couldn’t believe that I did that. It’s still sitting on the kitchen table. I know it’s just a small wire or a fuse that blew but I need to open that bitch up and fix it. We also have to a lot of organizing to do because we got new bedroom furniture!!! We figure if were going to spend all of our time in the bedroom we might as well make it comfortable and appealing! Well I’m outta here… Stay Safe & Have a phenomenal weekend… XOXO
Roxy Klein at 6:56:00 AM
Thursday, August 04, 2005 Good Morning~ I must say I’m feeling just fabulous this morning! Last night over a stiff glass of whiskey, I caught Carlos Mencia on Comedy Central. This guy is hilarious! I remember catching one of his first stand-up routines on HBO a few years back… Any who, There is a lot going on here and I forgot that yesterday was “HUMP DAY” and to post my weekly funnies… Sorry about that.. Here you go, have a great day! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Blonde Year in Review: January - Took her new scarf back to the store because it was too tight. February - Couldn't work in a pharmacy because the bottles wouldn't fit into the typewriter. March - Got excited when she finished a jigsaw puzzle in 6 months because the box said "2-4 years." April - Was trapped on an escalator for hours when the power went out. May - Couldn't make Kool-Aid because 8 cups of water won't fit into those little packets. June - Couldn't learn to water ski because she couldn't find a lake with a slope. July - After losing in a breast stroke swimming competition, complained to the judges that the other swimmers were using their arms. August - Told her blonde friend to hurry when trying to get into their locked car using a coat hanger because it was starting to rain and the top was down. September - When asked what the capital of California was answered "C." October - Hates M &M's because they are so hard to peel. November - Baked a turkey for 4 days because the instructions said 1 hour per pound and she weighed 120. December - Couldn't call 911 because there was no "11" on any phone button.
Roxy Klein at 6:51:00 AM
Wednesday, August 03, 2005
Ahhhh, my picture is back up... Thanks Bryan!!!
Roxy Klein at 7:20:00 PM
Tuesday, August 02, 2005
Good morning,
I can’t believe that we have less than one month to go before summer is over. This summer has gone by very quickly. Well, Brett & I ended up having a pretty great weekend. We saw “The Devils Reject’s” Friday night. It was definitely better then the first Rob Zombie film but the deliverance/hillbilly theme made me cringe. We also checked out “The Island” interesting concept and a little scary to think about but a good movie over all. I just liked watching Scarlet Johansson run around in this tight white spandex suit. Lot’s of sex, food & laying around.... Sunday night and or early Monday morning some person(s) broke into Brett’s vehicle. The Idiot fuck(s) that did this only took one thing. A fucking cell phone!!! No charger, just a DEAD cell phone. Whoever did this left everything of value, nice stereo with detachable face plate, amplifier & custom overhead speakers. BUT took his old cell phone that has been shut off for over 7 months. WTF. I can’t stop shaking my head over this… Obviously a child, it had to be. I will be in complete shock if it’s an adult. To top it all off the police were here with-in 5 minutes, if that and they got prints. This just reminds me of the dumb ass criminal that gets their ass handed to them by their intended victim or as they leave the scene of the crime look directly into the fucking camera. Other then the damage to the window Brett really wasn’t too upset about it. We (the cops included) had a pretty good giggle at the ignorance of the “short bus” that did this. Time for me to go, I hope that you all have a great day! XOXO
Roxy Klein at 6:11:00 AM
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